Ask Naruto
by commanderkiddo
Summary: Naruto's Advice Column
1. Ask Naruto

Ask Naruto.

Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me. The Fan Mail is all fake.

Naruto: Okay! It's that time of week again!

Chouji: Aww man! Bath time?

Naruto: …no

Naruto: Time to read our ASK ME letters!

Sasuke: Oh goody. (not.)

Naruto: This is a letter from Arisa in Sacramento, Georgia.

Naruto: Dear, Naruto.  
I really like this guy at my high school. But I'm WAY to shy to tell him. What should I do?

Naruto: Dear Arisa,

It takes time for a relationship to grow. You need to get to know him, and then get him interested. Good Luck! -Naruto.

Shikamaru: Oh Pu-LEEZE.

Shikamaru: It should go more like this you idiot.

Shikamaru: Dear Arisa,  
Get off of your lazy ass writing stupid letters to Naruto and call this guy. Then at school walk up to him, look him straight in the eye and say LOOK YOU. I LOVE YOU. AND I ALWAYS WILL. NOW KISS ME, AND REMIND ME WHY I WASTE MY TIME WITH YOU. THINKING OF YOU 24/7. -Shikamaru.

Sasuke: You are BOTH wrong. It goes like this.

Sasuke- Arisa,

He's never going to like you. Get over it. Turn yourself emo and forget about him. -Sasuke.

Naruto: …….THAT'S NOT ADVICE!

Sasuke: But it is true.

Neji: Step aside lame-os. THIS is how you right a letter.

(Neji types up an extremely long paper.)

Neji: Okay SEND!

Naruto: Wow Neji, that was a lot of typing. What did you write?

Neji: Oh you'll find out when she replies.

(2 days later)

Subject: Dear Naruto

Arisa Wrote: Dear, Naruto.  
I really like this guy at my high school. But I'm WAY to shy to tell him. What should I do?

Naruto Replied: Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome Neji Is So Awesome

Arisa Replied again: Wow! Thanks Naruto! Me and my NEW BOYFRIEND we're talking about how Neji is the coolest person ever, and we instantly clicked! We're going out next Saturday!

Naruto, Sasuke, Shikamaru: O.o

Neji: Works Every Time. .

Note-- I do NOT think Sasuke is Emo.


	2. Ijen?

-1Ask Naruto.

Naruto: Okay. Hi and Welcome to Ask Naruto! This time we made sure Neji wouldn't take over because TenTen and him are..out.

Shikamaru: Where'd you send them anyway?

Naruto: Let's just say I gave them an address.

TenTen: Neji…Where are we?

Neji: Some address Naruto gave me.

TenTen: It's a dark alley.

Neji: GRR NARUTO!

Neji: Do you have your laptop?

TenTen: yeah…why?

Neji: Let's just say I need to ASK Naruto.

Naruto: Ooh! A new one!

Naruto: Dear Naruto,  
Why don't you get Neji to answer this question? I think it'd be better since Neji is better than you. And smarter. And a much cooler ninja. And he's more manly. So where's Neji! -Ijen

Naruto- This is going to be a tough one.

Shikamaru: Oh hell no. You can't tell that Ijen Is NEJI spelled backwards! It's Neji getting revenge.

Naruto: Oh.


	3. Neji strikes again

Naruto: Wow. It sure have been awhile since I've answered some advice column fan-mail. 

Naruto: I'd better check it.  
ping. ping. clickie. ping.

Computerr: Welcome. Naruto.  
You. Have. 15864564547854. Un-read. Messages.

Naruto: O.O.

Shikamaru: Oh great. Just what I need. Naruto mail.

Naruto: Ehh. This is a lot.

Shikamaru: Don't tell me your going to sit here and answer ALL of them.

Naruto: Are you insane! OF COURSE I AM! Think of all the messages! Think of all the needy children!  
Think of--

Shikamaru: How hungry I am? Why yes. Thanks for asking. Sammich time!

Naruto: -Sigh-.

Naruto: I'd better get to typing.

TWO AND HALF DAYS LATER.

ping. ping. clickie. ping.

You.Have. 5000. Un-read Messages.

Sakura: Naruto! Aren't you a bit worried about yourself?  
How do you eat?! How do you drink?! HOW DO YOU LIVE?!?!?!

Naruto: -Siggggggggggh-. Must. Answer. Messages.

THREE WEEKS LATER.

Naruto: ZzZzZz.

Neji: .-.

Neji: Hmm.

Neji: I think I'll answer the remaining 300 messages on Naruto's site .

Computer:  
Welcome. Password. Please.

Neji: Hmm. Think like Naruto.

Neji: Uhh. I love Sakura.

Computer: ACCESS DENIED.

Neji: Hmm. Nine Tailed Fox.

Computer: ACCESS DENIED.

Neji: Uhhhhh. Neji is one sex-eh beast.

Computer: You are a biscuithead.

Neji: O.o.

Neji: Hmm..AH! It's so obvious!

Neji: RAMEN NOODLES.

Computer: Welcome. Naruto. You. Have. 300. Un-read. Messages.

FIVE HOURS LATER.

Neji: Ah. The last letter.

Dear Naru--

Naruto: WAIT A MINUTE.

Nauro: Why does NEJI get to be the star in all of these stories hmm?

Naruto: Can't I NOT be stupid in ONE of your stories?!

Me: Uh...no?

Naruto: What's with your obsession of Neji anyway?!

Neji: Isn't it obvious? I'm a sex-eh man beast.

Neji: EVERYONE loves teh Neji!

Me:...it's true.

Naruto: Grrr.

Naruto: But it's ASK NARUTO.

Naruto: Not ASK NARUTO BUT LET NEJI ANSWER THE LETTERS.  
Jeeze. If you're so smart, why not just create a new story titled ASK NEJI?

Me: Okay. If that's what you want. Ask Neji it is.

Me: And you won't be in it.

Naruto: WHAT! THAT WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL!

Naruto: PLEASE!!!!!!!!!1

Me: Fine.

Naruto: YES!!!!!!!!!!

Me: But I'm making you be gay with Sasuke.

Naruto: O.O.

Naruto: WHAT! WHY?!

Me: Because I know some crazeh fan-girls who'd kill for some Naruto Yaoi action.

Naruto: Oh great. Just what I need.


End file.
